Over the past few weeks, I’ve been working with clients who feel torn, conflicted, or emotionally charged – and every time, the same truth emerges. When something feels intensely right, or when an experience triggers a strong emotional reaction, it’s almost always because a value is being honoured… or compromised.
What are values?
Values are the quiet forces shaping your choices, your reactions, your relationships, and the way you move through the world.
Values are not who you wish you were. They’re not who you think you should be. They are already within you — the things you most care about, what gives your life meaning and what makes you tick. And your combination of values is unique to you.
There are two types of values:
- Foundational values — create safety, security and stability. When they’re compromised, you feel upset, angry or ungrounded.
- Inspirational values — motivate you to move towards what you want.
Together, they form your internal compass — pointing you toward what it means to be true to yourself.
Values are not always about happiness
When we honour our values, life feels satisfying, fulfilling. There’s a deep‑in‑the‑bones sense of rightness. But values aren’t always about happiness. Sometimes honouring them can be challenging.
Two years ago, I faced a difficult value‑based decision. My siblings — from Canada, Australia and the UK — were all gathering in one place. A rare moment, and likely the last time all four of us would be together. But the timing meant I would miss my 20th wedding anniversary, my eldest son starting Sixth Form and my youngest starting secondary school.
Family is one of my core values, but I was torn. Honouring my value of family with my siblings would ‘dishonour’ my immediate family. Making the decision was really hard.
And yet, with my husband and sons’ blessing, I went to Canada. Honouring this value wasn’t at all easy – there were tears – but spending this time with my siblings was the right thing to do. This is the truth about values: they don’t always make life simpler. But they help to make life clearer.
How to Find Your Values
So how do you discover the values that are already within you, guiding your thoughts, feelings and behaviours?
Look within, not at a list
When I work with clients, I never give them a list of values. It’s too easy to pick what sounds good rather than what’s true. Instead, I ask questions that help them experience their values, really feel them when they talk about something important. And I watch for the moment they come alive, when their inner light starts to brighten. That is a value in action.
Notice what angers or upsets you
Strong emotion is a clue. Flip the feeling over to reveal the value underneath. Your values are hiding in plain sight.
Examples:
- If you hate being rushed → you may value calm
- If rudeness makes you angry → you may value respect
How to Use Your Values
How do you use your values to make choices that feel aligned, grounded and true?
- Understand your emotional reactions — anger, upset or discomfort often signal a compromised value. Once you know which value has been compromised, you will know how to resolve it.
- Make decisions — when faced with a tricky decision, ask yourself: “Does this decision take me closer to, or further away from, my top three values?“
- Navigate relationships — values clarify what is acceptable and what is not.
- Stay grounded during change — they anchor you when life feels uncertain.
I first discovered my values in 2017 during my coach training, and it was a revelation. Suddenly, everything made sense: my reactions, my choices, my discomforts, my joys. And revisiting them recently has deepened my understanding even further. They haven’t changed, but I have, and my awareness of how they continue to shape my life has grown.
Knowing your values is one of the most powerful forms of self‑awareness you can develop. I hope you’ll take some time to explore yours.
I am reminded once again that our values are not just abstract concepts — they are the blueprint of who we are. When we honour them, life feels aligned. When we ignore them, life feels off‑centre. If you’ve been feeling conflicted, overwhelmed or unsure why certain situations trigger such strong reactions, exploring your values may offer you the clarity you’ve been looking for.
If you’d like support to uncover your values, to find the fulfilment and satisfaction you seek, and make aligned decisions in your life and work, I’d love to help. Please book a free Clarity Call using the link below — and together we’ll explore what truly matters to you.
Emma Hackett 