When I choose the topic for my monthly newsletter, it’s usually inspired by a conversation with a coaching client. This month, around 80% of my conversations have revolved around relationships, lack of boundaries, and why it feels so hard to actually set them.
One of my lovely clients summed it up perfectly when she said, “Boundaries give me the ick.” We were exploring how she had been giving her all at work — often at the expense of her own needs — and how, over time, it had eroded her resilience, created chronic stress, and ultimately contributed to burnout.
And I get it. Acknowledging that we have needs, recognising that it’s our right and responsibility to meet those needs, and putting steps in place to do so can feel deeply uncomfortable.
What are Boundaries?
The word boundaries comes with all sorts of misconceptions. For some people, the word alone triggers guilt and anxiety.
So let’s ground it in something simple:
Boundaries are the limits you establish around how you allow people to engage with you — the words and behaviours that are acceptable to you — so you can keep yourself and your relationships safe and healthy.
Think of it like this: imagine yourself standing in the middle of a field. Draw an imaginary circle around you. Everything inside the circle is acceptable, safe, healthy, and feels good. Everything outside the circle is what you choose not to allow in. You get to decide what crosses the circle. You get to decide what stays out. You get to decide how you respond.
What Boundaries Are Not
Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They’re not about telling someone what they can or cannot do. They’re about your response to someone else’s behaviour.
For example: you can’t tell Auntie Jean to stop smoking. But you can notice that cigarette smoke makes you cough and smells unpleasant. You can say, “Please don’t smoke around me / inside the house.” And if she continues, you can leave the room, ask her to step outside, or choose not to invite her round.
A boundary is not about shaming someone or changing their lifestyle. It’s about protecting your wellbeing.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard
Some people set boundaries with ease. They recognise unacceptable behaviour, call it out, and enforce a consequence without guilt or hesitation.
I am not one of those people. And many of my clients aren’t either.
For many of us, the difficulty comes from a deeply ingrained desire to please others. It’s often unconscious, but it shows up as:
- feeling discomfort
- ignoring our own needs
- keeping the peace
- prioritising others’ comfort and happiness over our own
The cost? Drained energy. Diminished wellbeing. Resentment. Anger. Exhaustion.
For some, people‑pleasing morphs into a belief that “I’m not allowed.” Not allowed to say no. Not allowed to have needs. Not allowed to take up space.
Most of the time, no one has ever explicitly told them this. They’ve simply absorbed subtle messages over years — and internalised them as truth.
How to Set Boundaries Without the ‘Ick’
We didn’t learn this at school, but it’s one of the most important life skills we can develop — especially for those of us who habitually put others first.
Step 1 — Recognise the discomfort
Recognise the discomfort, anxiety and dread is a sign that a boundary is needed. That pit-of-the-stomach feeling is a signal that there is some aspect of the relationship that could be smoothed over or repaired with a boundary.
Step 2 — Believe your needs matter
This is the hardest step. It requires deep work to uncover the unconscious belief that everyone else’s comfort is more important than your own, realise the costs and to replace it with something healthier.
Step 3 — Set the boundary using kind, clear language
No hinting. No fluffy language. No hoping they’ll ‘just get it’ – people are not mind readers! Use kind, clear language to spell it out and actually set the boundary. If clear is kind, then a boundary must be direct so they know where your limit is and how to avoid crossing it.
You don’t need to ask permission, over‑explain or apologise. People don’t need to understand or agree with your boundary to respect it.
Step 4 — Enforce the consequence
A boundary without a consequence is just a preference. And if you don’t enforce the consequence when that boundary is overstepped, the boundary itself becomes meaningless and sets an unhelpful precedent.
You don’t need to lead with the consequence, but if your boundary continues to be ignored, it’s time to restate it — and take the action required to keep yourself safe and healthy.
The Benefits of Boundaries
On the other side of discomfort is a boundary. And on the other side of the boundary is:
- clarity about what is and isn’t acceptable
- easier decision‑making
- relationships built on mutual trust and respect
- more energy and better mental wellbeing
- increased self‑confidence
- the freedom to create your life on your terms
Boundaries aren’t barriers. They’re bridges — to healthier relationships, clearer communication, and a more grounded sense of self. Doesn’t that sound good?
If boundaries give you the ick, you’re definitely not alone. It simply means you’re human, shaped by years of conditioning that taught you to prioritise others over yourself. But boundaries are not acts of rejection; they are acts of self‑respect. And every time you set one, you strengthen your resilience, protect your energy, and honour the truth that your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.
If you’d like support to set healthier boundaries, rebuild your resilience, or navigate the relationships that drain your energy, I’d love to help. You can book a free, no‑obligation clarity call using the button below — and together we’ll explore what you need to feel stronger, clearer and more in control of your life and work.
Emma Hackett 